How are things difficult? Let me count the ways...

[lifesnotasong]

-My friend died of a brain anyeurism last week. He was young and healthy and it's not fucking fair and I keep crying when I think about him and everything keeps making me think about him

-Another friend is in the hospital, and I'm not clear on how serious it is, but fuck

-My work team is imploding, with 2/6 of our team (the good 2) threatening to quit because of how our manager has been acting. We've gone through all the proper channels-- talking to the manager's manager, talking to HR, etc-- but nothing is getting better and everything is getting worse and I don't WANT to find a new job but I'm panic attacking all over the place about how hostile things are at work right now

-I'm horribly depressed and anxious and SAD is hitting hard and light therapy only works if you can motivate yourself enough to use the damn light

-Bry is depressed, though getting better after lots and lots of outside help. But he's only working a few hours a week right now as he gets his mental health under control, and that means I extra can't afford to not be staying at my job

-Brian is also depressed, and his recent acting gigs aren't paying him in a timely fashion (it's been almost 3 months...), so I EXTRA EXTRA can't afford not to be staying at my job

-My body is in full-out rebellion, both because of depression and because I have a defective body. I've been eating 1 meal a day for about a month now, and even that meal is because I'm forcing myself to. My aquadynia persisted through 3 different meds we tried, so i've given up on ever not hurting when exposed to water. My GI system is the worst, in completely 100% unpredictable ways, which led to the worst flight of my life on my recent trip to California

-One of the cats had some kind of problem (infection? immune-response issue?) with her feet, and has been in a cone for a week and a half, and that means I have to watch her like a hawk at every meal (when the cone is off) to make sure she doesn't keep eating her damn feet, which is what started this whole mess. She's getting too clever, and keeps finding ways to trick me (like shoving her foot right above her water dish and eating it while pretending to get a drink). Diagnostics have all been negative (but like $500), and the next step is a dermatologist + a biopsy, which will be even more $$$

-Other cat needs ~$600 of dental work done, closer to $900 if she ends up needing extractions

-Medical bills for my recent cancer screening just came in, and I'm looking at $600 there for the pleasure of having been claustrophobic and miserable in an MRI a month or so ago. At least I don't have cancer. Although that means I'm paying $600 for something I didn't actually need to have done

-The hermit crab tank is a mess and they keep filling their water bowls with dirt so they don't have good water and I can't keep up with how quickly they ruin everything and I don't think I should be allowed to have pets but here we are with two cats and five crabs and a snake

-The snake is ok right now. I think. She's going into shed, which she hasn't done since August. Unless she's going into shed because she's uncomfortable with the new bedding I got her. At which point she is not ok. But I can't tell until I see how long it is between this shed and whenever her next shed is

-Today I was overwhelmed with all of the above and just couldn't get out of bed when I was supposed to, so I stayed home and slept and then started working from home at 12:45. And my work team is lovely and understanding but I'm fucking 31 years old and I should be able to cope with life and I just can't.

I just can't.